My greatest and lousiest trick
my best gift and most epic fail
my most vital and most toxic trait
was denying the lover I am.
Like the little mermaid, but vice versa
trading the sweet prince for false-independence-fins,
just to keep them at a safe distance,
just to prove how not committed I am
just to secretly watch them from my rock again
just to keep them perfect in my head again.
Or was it to the picture of myself I tried to hold on?
The liberated one. The amazon.
The I don’t need anyone.
The I don’t bring boys to my home.
The we can fuck but I sleep alone.
The unapproachable one.
The amount of energy it takes to suppress
all the love you hold is torturing.
Like holding your breath
to prove to the world
that you don’t need oxygen.
My lungs were tired and I drowned
in my great independence.
And when they tried to save me, mouth-to-mouth
I got offended, kicked, and screamed
“Out! Out! Out of my house!”
This freedom I bathed in for so long
did not taste like what I thought it would.
bitter, not tangy.
sour, not zesty.
rancid, not matured.
like pieces of sharp, rusty iron
coming up my throat
every time I tried to sing like a siren.
The truth is,
as much as I wanted to,
I am not some distant mermaid.
I’m a wholehearted lover
and I’m done with the masquerade.
I swim, sing, and fight like a lover.
(by which I mean brave and unafraid)
I dance, eat, and write like a lover
(by which I mean bold and unashamed)
I love like a lover
and it took me decades of charade
to realize that this is not a downgrade.
It is my greatest gift and most vital trait.
by Sissi Mimm